March 15, 2001

What’s at stake?

Improving our sibling relationships

By Joel Levitt

 Many of us have relationships with our siblings that are good enough.

 Consider this, the relationship with your brothers and sisters will be the longest relationship of your whole life. Often it will exceed your relationship with your kids, parents and spouses by a quarter century.

 Consider this, your sibling relationships are the patterns you use to form other peer relationships. Look around you; are your friendships and marriage as deep and fulfilling, as you would want them to be? If not, look to your relationships with your siblings for some insight.  More and more evidence indicates that strengthening your relationship with your sibling can lead to enriched bonds with others in your life–your spouse, your children, even your friends and co-workers. Even, paradoxically, with your parents!

 Finally consider this, there are powerful demographic trends that increase the stakes. We, as a nation, are graying quickly. Baby boomers are now crossing the mid-century mark in droves. We’re finding ourselves supporting, mourning, and otherwise letting go of parents and stepping into family leadership. Our siblings are the only ones that can share these burdens. They also become the only reference point from our past; they are the only ones who remember where we came from and who we were.

Where does this leave us?

We take for granted those people who have been there since the beginning.

The first step is to wake up and look at these relationships. How would you describe them to a new best friend?  Honesty is important. Acknowledge what doesn’t work. Also acknowledge what happened in your past. In your thoughts include deeds that were good, bad or indifferent to your growing up.

 With your thoughts focused on your relationships with each of your siblings realize there are high stakes. Unresolved conflict, miscommunication and lack of connection can block intimacy and connection in all of our relationships. The price we pay is enormous.

 Here is a giant step. What do you want? Consider a new future where you and your siblings are as close as you want them to be and are treating you with love and respect. Is this future possible? It is only possible if you can imagine it!

 Other steps include exploring new types of communications (E-Mail has been a boon to widely dispersed sibling groups). Create new family stories that are empowering and supportive to each other. An important step is to realize that your siblings have grown up and have their own individual strengths and weaknesses that may be very different than the ones they had as children.

 Reawaken your original support group.

There is the possibility of working with your sibling connection, so that you feel more empowered and supported by your brothers and sisters (and by extension all of humanity).

 We need these people on our side! Especially as we age and experience the losses and ups and downs of life, our siblings have the potential of providing the kind of closeness we once took for granted in childhood and is so essential now.

 About the author

Joel Levitt and his two sisters have been leading workshops to help siblings improve their relationships since 1996. They have written a book titled Sibling Revelry about their techniques and experiences that will be available July 2001.   He can be reached at Joel@sibling-revelry.net or by phone 800-242-5656.