If I Knew Then What YOU Know Now
These were the first words out of his mouth.
Ralph, a 56-year-old
businessman
sat in front of me, perusing our new Sibling Revelry book. I
couldn't
take my eyes off the large blue Topaz on his ring finger,
surrounded
by a whirl of platinum.
"Sometimes
things occur out of sequence in your life," he told me. "Like I
could
have used this book eight years ago when my brother worked for me. We
have
a large Direct Mail business. Our volume has quadrupled in the last
five
years but now I handle the details of management on my own. Ronnie
just
couldn't cut it."
When
we spoke more at length I discovered that Ralph had built the business
from
scratch and had included his younger brother Ronnie as a way to help
him
set a new direction in life. The business prospered; however, the
relationship
didn't.
"It
seems like Ronnie just repeated the same old habit patterns that we had
lived
through as kids," Ralph continued. "He envied my success. And he
competed
with me all the time to show that he could somehow do it better.
Now,
it's true that I'm a tough act to follow. Got an MBA from Wharton,
have
run two other successful businesses and have a wonderful wife and
kids.
When Ronnie was down on his luck financially the proverbial shit hit
the
fan and his wife left him. Then his kids were farmed out all over the
map.
So by the time he joined me, he was pretty embittered and hard to work
with.
We kept butting heads. Every time I had an idea he killed it. Or he
embellished
and made it so damn complicated I knew it would never get done.
I
felt like a walking pressure cooker, ready to explode at the next
conflict
between us."
Ralph
has just outlined a very difficult situation some middle children
face
(and youngers as well): that of competing with older children to find
their
own niche. If the oldest in the family are versatile and talented,
this
makes it harder for the next ones down.
As
children we frequently carve our own pathways, unconsciously steering
clear
of our older sibling's turf. In psychological terms, this is referred
to
as "de-identification." It means we avoid developing aspects of
ourselves
that we feel our older sibs already excel in. Instead we seek new
areas
in which to shine. However, as in the above example, Ronnie preferred
to
butt heads rather than de-identify or find his own niche. Although
competition
can make rivals stronger and hardier, and in many cases help
them
come up with a superior product or service, with Ronnie it merely
forced
his hand. He wasn't coming up with the strength and skill-set to
make
a go of it, which upset Ralph deeply. He had to let him go.
There's
a lot more to this story than we can tell at this time. But the
important
thing Ralph knows now is that he can begin the process of
re-creating
their relationship. No sooner had he read through the 8 Steps
to
Successful Adult Sibling Relationships, than he realized what his work
in
seeking forgiveness was about and also how he might create space for his
brother's
eccentricities and fears. Already he describes a different
feeling
in the air:
"I
don't know that my brother and I could ever work with each other again.
But
it sure would be nice to have a family get together with him, and feel
the
sense of connection and joy around the holidays. I'm looking forward to
that."
Reported by JoAnn in Lenox MA July 2001