The
eight steps are summarized here so that you can begin sensing the organization
and focus of the work. Read through these steps gathering ideas of what is
expected at each level and assembling what you need. We strongly suggest
involving your siblings wherever possible. If they're not available, then
involve others in your community, such as friends, relatives, or co-workers.
Having a group will feed into the synergy and strength of the process, much like
the work of the original sibling workshops. No matter how you choose to approach
these steps, however, we have no doubt that you will learn a great deal, release
whatever is no longer useful, and in many instances, approach your siblings with
greater interest, support, and reconciliation.
Do
you find it difficult to pin down the qualities of your sibling relationships?
In any journey it is important to figure out what is "so," or, what is
real. In this step you grapple with pivotal questions, such as, who are your
siblings? What role do they play in your life, and what role have you played in
theirs? For some sibling groups,
the act of asking the question in itself solves fundamental problems, such as
the issue of how important we are to each other. For others, dissonance can
creep in between the assumptions of the historical sibling relationship and the
experience of the present reality. For example, Agnes, a 43-year-old African
American woman who was in one of our workshops, realized that her family myth of
closeness had no basis in reality. She
rarely talked to her siblings. In
fact, her brother got married and "forgot" to invite her to the
wedding. Agnes realized that being
close requires more than harboring stories of closeness from the past and at
present she is evaluating what she intends to do about this.
Chapter
one confronts one of the biggest areas of confusion for sisters and brothers:
our sense of a shared past. It dispels the illusion that there were events in
the past that everyone remembers in the same way. Usually siblings remember
events differently and assign different meanings to what they do remember.
Although you shared your childhood with this person, what you discover through
this process is that you actually inhabited two different worlds!
Memories
and conversations emerge. Now you sense who they are to you and you to them in
more concrete terms. There is certainly work to do but you've begun the process.
We're not suggesting massive changes at this point, just keen observation and
note taking. Even before painting an old house, for example, a skilled
contractor or homeowner will walk around and look closely to see what's there.
That's how this process begins. See what you have to work with before you slap a
new coat of paint on the old house.
Step
Two takes on the tough issue of rivalry. Anyone who has raised children,
especially children close in age, has seen rivalry in action. And many of us can
still call up memories of our early childhood battles. Initially, rivalry is a
powerful narcissistic force. At this stage, parental intervention, the complex
interaction of sibling temperaments, and the natural opportunities for
socialization help to tame this primitive force. When the sibling relationship
matures and grows past childhood, rivalry transforms and becomes a powerful
force to bond us. However some
adult sibling relationships are frozen in conflicted childhood relationship
patterns, often unwittingly encouraged by parents, and the rivalry has not had a
chance to transform
Step
Two provides you with an opportunity to evaluate your own sibling relationship
in the light of past conflicts and differences. Explorations are designed
to unearth the roots of conflict and nudge you toward authentic adult contact
with your sibling(s).
Everyone
has concerns, complaints and issues about their siblings. Some of these concerns
get in the way of our being with each other. Siblings may be very different (as
we three are) but also share much in common. In this step you identify the
issues or concerns that get in the way of a smooth connection with your brother
or sister.
An
underlying tenet of this book is that we all have the ability to change. If we
consider the outcome of things that originally seemed permanent or unchanging,
such as the former Soviet Union or the Berlin Wall, then we realize that change
is available in every moment. And
it may come in any possible form. What is needed and helpful, however, is a
blueprint for what we want. We must first imagine the possibility before we can
experience it as reality.
Often
we fail to focus on what we want from our sibling relationships to avoid the
disappointment of not getting what we want. We get caught in the trap of our
negative predictions. This chapter presents an added explanation: our society
and our culture as a whole idealize the sibling relationship. When we compare
our flesh and blood relationship with the idealized version we often come up
short.
So
we visit Memory Lane. We start with you imagining your best
moments with your siblings. In some cases you may visit your storehouse of
memories in order to convert less than powerful images from the past into
alternative and more appealing ones that include fun, closeness or a new type of
connection as part of your future. We encourage you to borrow from friends or
other siblings. At this point, you can even return to the cultural icons of
sisterhood and brotherhood and include aspects of the ideal in your real
relationships. Allow your sibling journal to function as a bankbook of ideas for
a more desirable future.
We
are connected to our brothers and sisters through a variety of interactions that
often have their origins in the past. For many of us, what that means is that
our sibling relationship may be based in habit patterns that have outlived their
usefulness. For example, you could have a habit of screaming at your older
sister whenever she gives you advice. On the other hand, your older sister could
have a habit of shamelessly correcting your grammar. To a large extent these
often-unconscious habits determine the nature of the relationship.
Once we realize that possibility then we can explore new modes of contact
or new habits.
As
we discover in Step Four, all relationships are held in place through long
periods of time by certain patterns and practices. These patterns are difficult
to see because they have surrounded the relationship for decades, back to
childhood. Some of these patterns and practices may have been inherited from
prior generations. The trickiest
thing about them is that these patterns appear to be the way life is.
They do not appear as our interpretation, based on some early experiences we may
have had as a pissed-off, scared or needy young child. Thus they become
templates, which remold the relationship each time in keeping with the old
pattern. One way to recognize the presence of an old pattern is to examine the
degree to which you feel alive and connected in any given situation. The less engaged you are, the more likely you're on
automatic, repeating some practice or pattern.
Explorations
in this chapter help you look at some of the ways in which you're connected.
How often do you gather in person? Speak on the phone? Email? We call
this a structural inventory. Exploring the underlying structures through which
you are related helps you to see what works in light of the future you want to
create. For example, some families discuss everything and others nothing of
importance. With the latter, siblings may have no idea what is really important
to each other. Their views of one another may have been frozen twenty or thirty
years ago. By completing this process some people are awed to discover how
little there is of truly contemporary content within their relationships.
Once
you've looked in detail at the quantity and quality of your contact, now you can
think about what you would like to have in place with each sibling. Imagine this
experience based in the present day reality but extending toward a more open,
supportive, and fun-filled future. A few small adjustments can then have vast
repercussions in terms of how you relate.
Life
hurts. Sometimes your siblings unwittingly inflicted pain on you, or you may
feel guilty about pain you inflicted on them. In either case, there comes a time
when you recognize that these wounds are still affecting you and need to be
healed. Explorations in this chapter help you remember and resolve conflicts,
sorting through issues of fear, anger, guilt and hurt.
By
now, many of you have resolved differences that plagued your sibling
relationships for years. There are many ways to heal these wounds. Some heal
spontaneously, others in the presence of a religious revelation or rebirth.
There are also psychological and cognitive methods for promoting healing.
We honor your courage and willingness to stay in the ring, duking it out with
these demons.
Step
Six: Invent New Family Legends
In
every culture, legends have a powerful influence on people’s lives. In the US
we live surrounded by myths about rugged individualism. In Japan many subscribe
to the myth of the samurai warrior serving his master. In 1919 in Russia the
myth of creating an egalitarian society for the workers toppled the Czarist
government. These myths and legends have far-reaching effects, influencing how
we work, play and relate to each other.
One
problem with family legends is that some of them are so ingrained that they
become invisible. They become so much part of the fabric of day-to-day life that
they cannot be distinguished from the air we breathe, the water we drink, or the
house we live in. Through dialogue
and introspection, you have an opportunity to uncover legends that have been in
the background of your life.
The
process of uncovering family legends can be done alone or with a close friend.
Many times legends can be unearthed through conversations with your siblings,
parents and grandparents. When you discover how they came to life, you can then
identify the prevailing ones that shaped your own sibling relationships.
Step
Six invites you to create powerful
legends of your own. Here you are empowered to take a more active stance in
creating the family life you envision. Myths and legends are your building
blocks. With energy and perseverance you can create them in alignment with the
vision for your future.
The
stage is set. All your plans and dreams are in place. You’ve opened yourself
to a new level of relationship, and your siblings are now engaged directly or
indirectly in this new future. Trial and error
has sobered you to the challenges of the process. But the presence of healing
between you and your siblings, or new modes of contact and communication has
brought a light to the end of the tunnel.
Keeping
the envisioned relationship in place requires new habits and patterns of
thinking, as well as patience, courage, and a good sense of humor. In Step 7 you
explore ways to look at your sibling relationships that expand and deepen your
commitment. Particularly important is the ability to make room for and accept
the differences that show up between yourself and your siblings.
In
the final step, you list the gifts you’ve received from one another and take
the time to acknowledge one another. You begin to build from the strengths each
one brings to relationship. Acknowledgement and appreciation are practices that
can bring you into the presence of your love for your sibling, and can
facilitate making the choice, again and again, to live in this model of
closeness with them.
So
now you complete the eight steps. All along you've been working from the model
from our sibling workshops, fine-tuning the steps to your personal needs. In the
end you can reflect on your progress, see what inroads you’ve made, and
continue to build a network of support and strength that will carry your
relationship into the future. At any time during this process you may choose to
go back to previous chapters and redo any parts that were left incomplete. If
you did explorations alone, you may want to include your siblings in this round.
If you included your siblings, you may want to initiate a review of the material
together that helps you move to a new level with them. Often, the passage of
time and immersion in these activities can help you identify beliefs and habit
patterns in need of refining, or "growing up." This recapitulation
then serves to consolidate your thoughts and feelings, and accelerates your
growth in all areas.
Hope you enjoy the book